True Stories
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The Complaint
This is my attempt to address the Ride-On leaf blower and its maniacal human operator. The Ride-On leaf blower was impounded shortly after I submitted my observations—the pen is mightier than the leaf blower. Almost all students, faculty, and staff understand that a clean campus is a wonderful place to study and work—it reflects our… Continue reading
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The Boys Who Stole Time
Of all the boys who stole time, he was the best. With a flick of the wrist, a snap of the clip, the hours flew up his sleeve with a zip. I—I was too scared; I didn’t own a trench coat. And everyone knows you can’t steal time without a trench coat. We only needed… Continue reading
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A New Project: Sci-Fi Lullabies?
I’ve been considering an idea for a new project: to take concrete events from one’s life and cast them as science-fiction lullabies or folktales. The rules are simple: The author shall not reveal the autobiographical event from which the tale arose. The event will be rendered obliquely; the rules of the world will be offered… Continue reading
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The Man Who Mastered Absolute Zero
January 29, 2009 New employee orientation— As the HR rep covers the school’s weather line, she mentions the forecast for sleet on Wednesday morning. My imagination conjures colliding air masses, arctic expresses, and that most elusive ingredient – precipitation. Rainy days turn Texas highways into a mess—bumper to bumper traffic and hazard lights blinking everywhere. Continue reading
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The Gal of My Dreams (A True Story)
Ever find someone incredibly attractive until a fashion decision derails your future together? Well, maybe I can make an exception… The Gal of My Dreams (A True Story) I’d thought I found the gal of my dreams Until I saw her in acid-wash jeans. Continue reading
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Nine Barbies in Search of a Ken
In memory of Amber Gibson March 20, 2006. Should a man spend enough time with a woman, one question inevitably flows from his lips—when you were young, did you ever pretend your Barbie and Ken had sex? I asked Amber this question, and she said, “No.” She added that in fact, she had nine Barbies… Continue reading
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Mom, the cultists came a callin’. Can they come over and play?
Weeks ago I gave money to some cultists who were passing out colorful flyers by the roadside. Now, don’t panic. I gave only change from my ashtray – no large denominations. If recollection serves me, my hand quickly grabbed some thirty-seven cents. I gave them some change because I wanted their flyer or small poster—in… Continue reading
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The Mayan Calendar and the Economy of Love
Last night I met someone for drink, and as we walked down the strip from bar to bar, I asked if Frankfurter’s is still doing business—it’s a hot dog place near the college where I worked. Well it’s now a Cajun restaurant. May 2011 A friend and I were laughing about the Mayan calendar hysteria,… Continue reading
MARTIAN DEATH RAY 