True Stories
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The Complaint
This is my attempt to address the Ride-On leaf blower and its maniacal human operator. The Ride-On leaf blower was impounded shortly after I submitted my observations—the pen is mightier than the leaf blower. Almost all students, faculty, and staff understand that a clean campus is a wonderful place to study and work—it reflects our… Continue reading
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The Boys Who Stole Time
Of all the boys who stole time, he was the best. With a flick of the wrist, a snap of the clip, the hours flew up his sleeve with a zip. I—I was too scared; I didn’t own a trench coat. And everyone knows you can’t steal time without a trench coat. We only needed… Continue reading
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The Man Who Mastered Absolute Zero
January 29, 2009 New employee orientation— As the HR rep covers the school’s weather line, she mentions the forecast for sleet on Wednesday morning. My imagination conjures colliding air masses, arctic expresses, and that most elusive ingredient – precipitation. Rainy days turn Texas highways into a mess—bumper to bumper traffic and hazard lights blinking everywhere. Continue reading
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Nine Barbies in Search of a Ken
In memory of Amber Gibson March 20, 2006. Should a man spend enough time with a woman, one question inevitably flows from his lips—when you were young, did you ever pretend your Barbie and Ken had sex? I asked Amber this question, and she said, “No.” She added that in fact, she had nine Barbies… Continue reading
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Mom, the cultists came a callin’. Can they come over and play?
Weeks ago I gave money to some cultists who were passing out colorful flyers by the roadside. Now, don’t panic. I gave only change from my ashtray – no large denominations. If recollection serves me, my hand quickly grabbed some thirty-seven cents. I gave them some change because I wanted their flyer or small poster—in… Continue reading
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NORMAN SAVES THE DAY
Norman was a tall, soft-spoken, lanky, freckled-faced kid. I never knew Norman had a problem until Mr. Bell asked us to swap papers and I graded Norman’s pop quiz. I was shocked. Norman’s quiz was a mess of wrong answers shot through with grammatical and spelling errors. I was a just kid and had no… Continue reading
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Falling Up
January 13, 2008 I cannot stare into a cloudless blue sky without a rattling in my stomach because should I stare too long, I fear falling up and into the sky forever. It’s a silly fear. And many fears are silly, but silly or not there it is. Continue reading
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Monsters (Not Robots)
Ms. R. stormed into my life in 2005, rearranging the furniture in my brain, so I wrote her this letter not knowing what she would think. And I let her see it before publishing it. She said it was sweet and the nicest thing anyone has written about her—poor girl. for Rachel H. I know… Continue reading
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The Mayan Calendar and the Economy of Love
Last night I met someone for drink, and as we walked down the strip from bar to bar, I asked if Frankfurter’s is still doing business—it’s a hot dog place near the college where I worked. Well it’s now a Cajun restaurant. May 2011 A friend and I were laughing about the Mayan calendar hysteria,… Continue reading
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George’s Crazy Dream
When he was alive, my dad and I always swapped stories about any of the many odd dreams we would dream. One morning he sat giggling to himself at the table. He told me he had the craziest dream, and after he told me, I found it so funny that I wrote it down for… Continue reading
MARTIAN DEATH RAY 