The End of the World as We Know It

Evidently the world is going to end. And it’s going to end on September 23, 2015—that’s a Wednesday. It says so on the Internet. And they’re saying it on AM radio tonight.

Some people are already backpedaling. Rather than the end of the world, they say “something big” is going to happen. But “something big” is too vague; it doesn’t quite have the zest of saying “the end of the world.”

People love the end of the world. People hate the IRS, but they love the end of the world. I’ll admit it’s kind of exciting. It’s the period at the end of humanity’s long sentence. It’s big business too.

To survive you need something. You might not know what you need, but there’s someone somewhere who’s got what you need. You might need a little gold or silver for an economy that no longer exists. You might need some dehydrated food. Just make sure you have water to rehydrate that food. You might need a generator. With a generator you can get on the Internet super-highway. And since it’s the end of the world, you just might have the whole highway to yourself like in those crazy zombie movies.

I say ride out the end of the world in a bathtub. It works for tornados. Why not the end of the world?

Take your Saturday bath that Wednesday. Sure, you’ll need to rejigger your schedule. but hell, make it a special day. Make it a bubble bath.

And if you plan to divest your mortal coil of any and all stocks, bonds, or assets, I’ll provide you with my mailing address. Consider it a love offering.  Plenty of deities smile on that kind of thing. I smile on that kind of thing. And every time I spend your dough I’ll say a little prayer for you.

Just remember, I cannot guarantee the efficacy of any prayers, but where you’re going you likely won’t need them.

Just make certain you specify your religion and/or denomination. We wouldn’t want to confuse anyone.

But you know you could just forget about the end of the world and keep all your stuff. And you could take your Saturday bath on Saturday and not that Wednesday.

If the world should end, we will likely never see it coming. The universe has a sense of humor.

The dinosaurs were sitting around a grill, barbequing our mammalian ancestors, and talking about their cholesterol levels when their world ended.

The asteroid was not asteroid at all. It was a mother ship piloted by drunken mammals—a species of inebriated space mice that flunked out of twelve-step program.

Not even the drunken space mice saw it coming.

So relax. Take a deep breath and enjoy the time you have left, because in the game of life, the universe throws spitballs and the strike zone is a bitch.

©Kent Gutschke 2015.

This entry was posted in Humor, Journal and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Both comments and trackbacks are currently closed.
error: Content is protected !!